The Secret
by Cat87
Summary: Spencer has an embarrassing and childish secret. Warning:features an adult acting like a child in some ways.


AN: This is probably a slightly unusual subject matter. If you are uncomfortable with adults behaving in childish ways, I'd suggest reading something else. I suppose there are spoilers for a few episodes too, but not many. English is not my first language, so any mistakes and odd-sounding sentences can be blamed on that ;) Thanks to NamanKAL for her support.

The Secret

Spencer hadn't felt much like a genius on the day that he'd finally gone to the store to get it. He'd been nervous and fidgety, almost like a teenager buying condoms for the first time. That thought had made him cringe internally. At least that was a natural thing for someone in that age group to be buying. Actually, it would have been preferable if that was what _he'd_ been buying.

All this with the store had happened a little over a year ago, after Spencer's run in with his father in Las Vegas. There'd been many nightmares both before and after that, and he'd been desperate for a solution. That was when he'd come up with it. It seemed stupid, but he knew that there'd been studies that proved that it released endorphins, and besides it seemed to work for nearly all children. He stubbornly tried to ignore the fact that he was actually an adult, and that everyone would think him pathetic if they ever found out. His team would either tease him, label him a freak or fire him for being mentally unstable.

Still, there was no way he could go on a case without one by now, Spencer thought, as he picked up the light blue pacifier and put it in his bag like he'd done many times before when packing his go-bag. It wasn't the same one that he'd bought the year before, because these things ought to be replaced once in a while, and he also kept a dark purple one in the drawer of his bedside table now, in case something happened to the blue one. He'd decided early on that he needed a back-up, because he was quite frankly no longer able to sleep without a pacifier. This made him feel even more ashamed and inadequate. He couldn't explain this thing. Maybe it was just about the endorphins, or maybe it was a deeper-lying psychological issue related to his mother's illness and his father abandoning him at an early age. Whatever it was, he didn't care and he wasn't going to stop. It was not like he was hurting anyone like he had been when he was still addicted to Dilaudid, and it only made him feel happy and safe – and most importantly; able to sleep. He sighed in frustration and zipped the bag.

They'd had to go to Alaska this time. The tavern there seemed to be the only place where they could spend the night, and unfortunately there were only four rooms available. "Four?" Spencer asked, panicking inside. He'd never be able to sleep properly now. He couldn't risk anyone finding out about his little secret. "Looks like we'll have to double up," Hotch said. What would he do; how could he fix it? There had to be some way… Spencer's thoughts were interrupted by Morgan's loud voice; "I'm not sleeping with Reid," he announced. Spencer frowned, confused. And maybe a tad hurt as well. Hotch fixed Morgan with a stern glare. "But you _are _sharing a room with him. Garcia will be working all night, so she gets her own room," he said firmly. Spencer felt torn. Any chance of getting a room to himself had been ruined, and Morgan obviously had to be forced to share with him. But on the other hand he could understand why Garcia needed her own room, when she'd been sleeping at different time.

Spencer walked past Morgan, not looking into his eyes. "Hey, kid. Which room are we in?" he asked. He didn't seem angry or disappointed to be sharing after all, but that must all be a cover-up. Spencer shrugged. How would he know? Right then, the woman who owned the tavern handed him the key to "room 3". He dangled it in front of Morgan, still not looking at him. He turned around and headed up the stairs, going straight to the small bathroom of room 3. He knew he was overreacting, told himself so as he was undressing, tears already spilling to the floor. Morgan hadn't meant anything by it, right? There were two possible interpretations: He'd either meant that he wasn't in a relationship with Spencer, or he'd meant that he didn't want to share a room with him. Both options stung. The first one hit a sensitive spot; he knew he was not desirable as a lover to anyone, knew he was skinny. Awkward. But Morgan didn't need to make fun of him for it. He particularly didn't like it, if it was in relation to the other reason; maybe Morgan very simply detested him. He knew he could be annoying, and he knew he was odd, but he'd really thought that Morgan was his friend. His best friend…his only friend. He cried bitterly in the shower.

When Morgan entered their shared room a little while later, Reid was asleep on one of the beds. Or at least pretending to be. Morgan couldn't really tell; Reid's breathing usually turned soft and rhythmical whether asleep or simply relaxing. It was too bad, really. He'd sort of wanted to straighten things out. When he'd made that joke downstairs, he'd forgotten to take Spencer's somewhat fragile self-confidence and general inability to understand irony into consideration. He thought the others might have understood his joke, but he was still afraid that Reid may feel it was only at his expense. Morgan cursed himself; Reid had had enough experience with bullies. There was no need for him to add to it. Reid didn't need another bully in his life – he needed someone who was always there for him, someone who could protect him and offer him advice. Someone he felt he could trust. Morgan sighed and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Maybe he could talk to Reid about it tomorrow, he mused as he crawled under the covers of his own bed. He was about to turn off both bedside lamps when he remembered Reid's fear of the dark. He dismissed the concern, though. The kid hadn't moved an inch while he'd been in the bathroom; he must be asleep. What were the chances that he'd wake up before Morgan anyway? Morgan knew he slept better in complete darkness, and he'd be up to turn on the light way before Reid woke up in any case. The kid wouldn't get scared. He could always ask for help if he did need it. Morgan killed the lights and fell asleep almost instantly.

Spencer had heard Morgan enter the room and sigh in disgust at the sight of him. He must be very sick of getting stuck with 'the kid' after all. Morgan had then used the bathroom and come back out, only to turn off the bedside lamps, plunging the room into suffocating, cold darkness. Spencer had started to hyperventilate after the first twenty minutes. As Morgan's breathing steadied, Spencer's turned erratic. He knew that Morgan knew this – knew how scared he was of the dark, and yet he'd done it on purpose just to clarify to Spencer how much he loathed him. The tears started up again and this time he could feel them all the way into his stomach too, like a black empty hole twisting inside him. The black hole tried to force its way out through his throat, and suddenly he had to push a corner of the pillow into his mouth to muffle a sob. Instinctively he started suckling on the pillow, tears streaming down his face relentlessly. He knew what he needed to be able to calm down and go to sleep. But Morgan was there. Then again, Morgan was sleeping, he didn't have to know. He reached for his bag, silently extracting the pacifier while attempting to keep his sobs under control. As soon as he'd put it into his mouth, he calmed down and latched onto the soft rubber much more vigorously than usual. His heart rate steadied, he stopped sweating and his hands were no longer shaking. He fell asleep, nearly smiling around the pacifier. He'd needed this so much.

Not long after Morgan had gone to bed, he'd been woken up by something. His own snoring, perhaps? No. He'd thought he'd heard sobbing, but no one was sobbing, though. No, he knew what it was; it was old age and probably the enlarged prostate that went with it, making him have to pee in the middle of the night. He shook his head, fighting the urge to laugh somewhat hysterically, but when he got up to use the bathroom, he heard a new sound. From Reid. Intrigued, he turned on his own bedside lamp and went to inspect. What he saw there made him feel both amused, sad that Reid was so alone and also guilty as he saw the tracks on Reid's cheeks left behind by many salty tears. Did he do that? He decided to leave things be for the moment though. He went back to bed still wondering if he was to blame. Maybe he should apologize?

Morgan had been thinking about Reid and his pacifier a lot over the last couple of days. Obviously, it was something the kid had done before. He must have brought it with him. If that was the case then there was probably something bothering him, besides Morgan's bad jokes. Maybe the kid was scared or depressed. Or both. Morgan wasn't sure what to do, but he felt that he should probably tell someone. Hotch seemed like the obvious choice. He was their superior, but also the one who always seemed to know better, know what to do. The mature one, with the greater perspective. He was less likely to get carried away than Morgan was. He'd be able to keep a cool head and figure out how to handle this.

Morgan cornered him on a Wednesday night in his office. "Look Hotch, could we talk?" he asked. Everybody else had left; now was the perfect time. Hotch quirked an eyebrow. "Of course," he said, gesturing to the chair opposite his desk. "Have a seat." Morgan sat down and folded his hands, studying them. "What is this about?" Hotch prompted. Morgan sighed. "You know in Alaska…about the rooms. I think I upset Reid," he began. Hotch nodded. "You probably did, but that was days ago. I'm sure Reid has already forgotten all about it. But if you still feel bad about it, maybe you should be apologizing to him instead?" Hotch suggested. Morgan shrugged. "Yeah, maybe. It's just that…well, that wasn't all. I woke up in the middle of the night, and he was…I dunno. He had a pacifier in his mouth. It wasn't there when I went to bed. He must've woken up and taken it out of his bag or something. He'd been crying too. I guess I'm just concerned about the kid. He's never looked that…_young_ before. Made me wonder how bad off he really is," Morgan admitted. Hotch was silent for a few moments. "Spencer hasn't had it easy," he began wearily. "Maybe this is just his way of coping. We all know he had a hard time growing up, and with everything that's happened here at the bureau, it's understandable that things are tough for him and that he needs something to help him. At least this is harmless," Hotch said. Morgan nodded quickly. This was much better than what had happened after Hankel, really.

"I'll talk to him, when the time is right," Hotch promised. "I think he knows, deep down, that we're all here for him, but he tends to forget that he doesn't have to do everything on his own anymore," he continued. Morgan agreed. He got up to leave. "Thanks, Hotch. I didn't feel right just sitting on information like that. The kid is like the brother I never had, you know. When he hurts, I hurt. It's just not natural for me to watch him suffering."

"I know," Hotch said. "Don't worry about it, I'll handle it," he promised.

Less than a week had passed, before they were sent away on their next case. Relatively minor case, but out of town. Spencer was having nightmares more frequently now, and he'd even taken to using the pacifier when he was awake. Every time he was alone, it was in his mouth, whether he was reading, watching television or even showering.

They were currently at the local PD, and Spencer was going through an old case file that may or may not be related to their case. Suddenly, Hotch announced that the hotel they were staying at was one room short. "Reid will be sharing with me," he finished. Spencer gripped the case file tightly. "But the hotel is huge," he protested vaguely. "So you think I'm lying?" Hotch challenged. Spencer shrank back. "Of course not, Sir," he said in a near-whisper. He saw Morgan and Hotch exchanging a look. They were probably both angry now. Why did he always have to be so stupid? He cringed internally at his mistake. Why did Hotch even keep him on the team, he wondered. He blinked a few times and coughed. When JJ looked at him concerned, he choked out. "It's a little dusty in here. It's bothering my eyes and airways." He coughed exaggeratedly again to prove his point. The rest of his team members eyed him suspiciously, but went back to their respective tasks without another word.

The whole day felt like it had been a failure to Spencer. Even though they'd caught the unsub, he still felt useless. It wasn't like he'd really helped anyway. Prentiss had pieced it all together very fast, not needing his help at all. He just felt like crying himself to sleep. He wanted his pacifier, but he couldn't have it, because Hotch was right there, getting ready for bed himself. There was no way he wouldn't notice. He could try to wait until Hotch was asleep, but still the chance of getting caught seemed too great. Hotch was his boss; he'd never respect him again. Maybe even order a psych-eval. Or just fire him on the spot.

He got under the covers, blinking back tears of frustration. Hotch was meticulously folding every article of clothing he'd brought, but then he suddenly went to pick up Spencer's bag. When he opened it and looked inside, Spencer blushed and protested weakly. "Hotch, what are you…" But apparently, Hotch had found what he'd been looking for. He took out the blue pacifier, not a hint of shock on his face. Without a word, he approached Spencer and put the pacifier in his mouth, brushing his hair away from his face. "Time to sleep," he said simply, as he pushed Spencer's shoulder, urging him to lie all the way down. Spencer complied, staring at him confused. There were so many thoughts in his head at the same time that it just felt like white noise in there. So full that it was empty. Hotch tucked the covers around him and placed a hand on his cheek. "Try to get some sleep. If you wake up and need me, I'm right across the room," he assured Spencer in a soft voice that was usually reserved for his son, Jack. Spencer was confused and happy and mortified all at the same time. "Hotch…I'm so sorry," he said after removing the pacifier. Here he was; an adult in his late twenties and still he boss felt like he had to handle him with kid-gloves. It was so embarrassing; Spencer didn't even know what to say. He'd lost control over the tears. He didn't even realize when they'd started cascading down his cheeks. This was probably the worst day of his life, and that was saying a lot.

Hotch's heart ached, and his arms were twitching with the need to reach out to Spencer. He'd felt exactly the same way whenever Jack had fallen down and was sobbing loudly on the kitchen floor. But rather than picking up his distraught subordinate, he sat down next to him and popped the pacifier back into his mouth, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb until he started suckling. The poor boy cried even harder. It must be humiliating for him that someone finally knew. "Shh…Spencer, don't cry. I don't think any less of you for this. If anything, it makes me care for you even more. You've always been my child, in a way. The child of this family that I am the head of. And I know I've failed you before; misinterpreted you, but not anymore. Most people see me as someone who's cold and stoic, maybe you see me that way as well, but I deeply care for every single person on my team. Maybe I even care for you a little more." As Hotch spoke, Spencer hiccupped his way through his sobs. He sunk further and further into the mattress and wrapped his arms around himself, beginning to rock softly. "No, Spencer. Don't do that. Come here, give me your arms," Hotch said, prying Spencer's arms from around his middle and pulling him into an embrace. Spencer stiffened and tried to move back, away from this mortifying situation, but Hotch kept a firm grip on him and started to stroke his back tenderly. "Shh…" he whispered in Spencer's ear, as he rocked them both back and forth. "It's alright. You don't have to pretend in front of me, Spencer," Hotch told him. Something broke inside Spencer, and he sagged in Hotch's arms, practically wailing. He pushed his face against Hotch's shoulder to muffle his cries and finally everything he'd been keeping inside since his childhood, since Hankel, since Gideon resurfaced. He cried harder than he could ever remember having done. Hotch just kept holding him, being strong for him. Slowly, Spencer edged his way into Hotch's lap. His sobs grew quiet and soon he was merely suckling on the pacifier and leaning against Hotch's chest. He sighed in despair and pressed closer. The gentle rocking and the warm body he was leaning against soothed him to sleep.

He woke up twice that night, only to find Hotch above him within seconds of waking up. His soft voice and gentle hands lulled him back to sleep both times.

The next morning, Spencer got dressed while Hotch was in the bathroom. He wouldn't meet his boss' eyes when he came back out. Hotch sighed and grabbed his chin, forcing the young man to look at him. "I stand by what I said. I'm always here for you, and you have nothing to be ashamed of," he said seriously. Spontaneously, Spencer gave him a quick hug, then turned and left without a single word.

It had been a few months since Hotch had found out about the pacifier. Spencer still couldn't figure out how he'd found out, though. He just seemed to know. It didn't really matter anyway; all that mattered was Hotch's quiet support – the soft looks, the pat on the back after a case gone well, the gentle but stern instructions to go to bed. But also the fact that Spencer could now use his pacifier every night without feeling guilty or pathetic. He knew Hotch understood and didn't judge him for it. Even encouraged it.

He was looking out the tiny window of the jet, as he smiled to himself. Somehow it was just better now that Hotch knew. Spencer was looking forward to going home. It had been a particularly difficult case this time, as they'd constantly been racing against the clock. Everything worked out in the end, though. A twenty-six year old woman was returned safely to her family, and the unsub was apprehended. Still, no one on the team had slept in nearly 40 hours, and Spencer was definitely starting to feel it too. He yawned and scooted further down in his seat, turning his upper body toward the window. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

Hotch was sitting next to Spencer, across from JJ and Morgan. He was discussing the latest case with Morgan, when he noticed that Spencer was fidgeting in his sleep. The young man frowned in his sleep and pushed himself back against the seat. "…no…please…" he muttered. Everyone on the plane shot him concerned looks. Hotch reached carefully into Spencer's messenger bag and pulled out the purple spare pacifier that he knew Spencer kept there. He gently put it between Spencer's lips and held it there until the young man latched on. Spencer leaned against his shoulder and sighed deeply, returning to a deep and undisturbed sleep. JJ gave Hotch a questioning look, her brow creased in confusion and concern for Spencer.

"He's going through an emotionally draining period. Has been for a long time," Hotch commented as he watched Spencer's sleeping form. JJ and Morgan nodded. Dave shrugged. "Whatever works for him, I guess," he said. Prentiss stared at Spencer. "Makes me kind of maternal. I don't even have time for a kid right now," she sighed dramatically. The others chuckled softly. "Spencer just needs our support," Hotch said. The others nodded in agreement. "Just wait until Garcia finds out," Morgan said, smiling and shaking his head. Hotch cracked a smile in return, as the other's laughed, trying to be as quiet as possible.

When Spencer had woken up on the plane with the pacifier in his mouth, he'd known that the others knew now. He'd also known that it meant that Garcia would soon know as well. However, he'd not counted on this. He'd found a small gift on his desk and had opened it, wondering what it was. Then he'd blushed bright pink when he'd found an extremely colorful selection of pacifiers inside. He carefully hid the box under his desk for safe-keeping until he went home. Secretly, he felt happy and warm inside. Everyone knew now, and they'd been nothing but supportive. He'd thought Morgan might tease him, but he didn't. He'd expected JJ and Prentiss to be disgusted and think he was a creep, been sure Garcia would think he'd gone insane. But they hadn't. Even Rossi had showed his support in his own awkward way, giving him a decidedly odd speech about using the coping mechanisms at your disposal. And Hotch was still there every day. He kept looking after Spencer, bringing him food, talking to him when he needed it. Tucking him in at night, even when they didn't share a hotel room. Recently he'd taken to dropping Spencer off at home as well, and this weekend when Jack was with his grandparents, Spencer was going on a fishing trip with Hotch. Life was good, pretty much. Spencer barely dared to think it. In his team he'd finally found the family, the support system he'd never really had. His mom loved him, and he loved her, but she'd been very sick for a very long time and Spencer had been too loyal to admit that she was not giving him all that he needed. Now he understood that he could love and be loved by both his mom and his team at the same time.


End file.
